I'm Sick of Being Fat!!!

My close family and friends always cringe when I call myself fat. And they follow it with, 'Laur, you're not FAT.' And my response is always the same. 'yes, I am. I am FAT'. I started with over 90 pounds to lose. That's not plump, chubby, heavy, or overweight. It's FAT! I know it sounds terrible and that our society has such a stigma attached to the word, but honestly, that's what I am and that's how I feel. Whenever I'm around other people, I am hyper-aware that I'm fat, and feel like people look at/judge/treat me accordingly. Like last night, when I went out for drinks with a couple of girlfriends, and the waitress asked if we wanted dessert, and I thought, 'she's probably thinking, you definitely don't need dessert, but I guess that's how you got so big.' Ridiculous, I know. I'm not the centre of other people's universes, but that's how I feel where my weight is concerned. LIke that's all people can focus on or think about once they see me. When I'm going for walks around the lake, I think everyone who passes me is sizing me up and thinking about how huge I am. When we bought our new jogging stroller/chariot last weekend at a running/biking store in Wpg., all I could focus on was how the super fit staff must be looking at me and wondering why on earth I would need a jogging stroller, I obviously don't work out. And so, I'm sick of it. Sick of the thinking and sick of the FAAAAAAAT!!! I am a huge fan of counseling and self-awareness, so don't worry, I know the fact that I think this way about myself is a much bigger issue than the actual fat I have to lose. So I'm working on that too. But for right now, I'm just sick of being fat, and I'm doing something about it! I'm going to be thin THIS YEAR!!! It's been a long time since I've been fit and thin, and I'm looking forward to it.

I am only down 3 lbs from my 7 lb gain, but that's ok. I lost those three pounds while we were on a trip (which involved multiple meals out, including my sister's bday dinner at Olive Garden...mmmmm goodness:) and over the Easter weekend. I didn't go crazy on food, I just ate normally, didn't restrict much, and still lost the 3 lbs. I'm happy with it because I did it while living/eating moderately, instead of all or nothing.

While I was in Wpg. I took my measurements with my friend Mandi, and wow, that was painful and humbling. Numbers DO NOT LIE. We didn't get a chance to do my before pictures, so for now I'll leave you with the very ugly truth in numbers alone, and I'll get my before pictures posted soon.

Starting Weight (in January): 252.4 lbs

Measurements (April 3)

Waist: 43.5
Hips: 46.5
Chest: 44
R. Thigh: 29.5 (for the record, bigger than my waist size when I'm at a healthy weight...YIKES!)
R. Arm: 14.5

It was SO difficult for me to write those numbers, but I had to do. I have so much shame associate with my weight and size, I am so ashamed of how big I've allowed myself to become, and I need to face those numbers and have them out in the open so that they are not shameful any more. I will not be ashamed, I will be proud that I have a problem and am taking the steps to fix it!!! I'll keep telling myself that---right now, I just feel shame, but I'm working on it!